Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
