i just sent this text using only my big toe
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
