I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
