There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
