i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
