apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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