I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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