tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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