Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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