it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
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