Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
