I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
