Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
