When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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