ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
