my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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