if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i will never coherently bang her
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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