i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Fuck me I smell like cheese
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
