Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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