1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
