The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
