I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
