Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
