I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
