Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
