With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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