Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
