You just made me feel so damn special
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
