I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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