Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
