Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
