david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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