I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
