the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
