Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
a search helicopter?!
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
