I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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