I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
