So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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