if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
