Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
