It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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