either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
