i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
