And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
