i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I won the penis lottery.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
