My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
