what day is it and did you see me today?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
