I'm lost and stupid without you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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