You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
