bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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