I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
