I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
