Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
