The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
