You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
